what this escaped the corporate intranet

I watched all 29 episodes of Unraveled so that I can tell you, scientifically, which episode of Unraveled is the best episode of Unraveled.

you know what, I think it’s time

let’s watch another episode of Columbo

let’s watch an episode of Columbo

So, I make a handful of small improvements to one of our systems and open a PR, and I’m trying to find a funny “many small fixes” image to go with it, and I run into this image:

edit: I feel the need to point out that this is, in fact, a comedy article about technology and not a serious take on programming.

People who elongate the world nice by writing “niceeeeeeee” rather than “niiiiiiiiice” are psychopaths

With an industry leading 4 deaths and 239 injuries, FlavorTech Supplements is operating at an industry leading 65% of Acceptable Accident Threshold, down a stunning 3.5% from last year!

motherfucker you mean to tell me that “panthers vs. senators” is a hockey game? god damn it I paid so much for these tickets I just wanted to see some big cats maul some old men

“being likeable is more important than being good at your job”

jokes on you, I’m neither

if you ever have a CAPTCHA that asks you to identify traffic lights, do it QUICKLY or some guy in a Waymo somewhere could die

If you ever leave software developers alone for too long, they’ll attempt things they’ve been dreaming of for years like a “new version” or a “big refactor” and both of these things have an awful tendency to break a shit tonne of features and completely ruin the stability of production code, so if you have a developer who doesn’t have the very tired look in their eyes you need to get them an unrealistic deadline on an incredibly ill-defined feature, and fast

most project management is just about keeping developers from ruining your product with their clever ideas

you hear that? even now they’re whispering about rewriting your entire decade-old legacy codebase in Kotlin even though nobody on the team is familiar with Kotlin or even the JVM, and they think they can do it in less than 6 months because they’re software developers and thus haven’t developed any ability to comprehend the passage of time

“Jolene” is a much funnier song if you consider the possibility that Jolene has never met either the lead singer or her man before and is utterly confused by this entire interaction.

“Jolene, you’re so hot, you could easily take my man, but please don’t, it would destroy me”

Jolene: “Uh, hi, who even is your man?”

“Oh, he is watching this interaction from behind those bushes over there.”

Jolene: (concern)

if you ever watch a talented saxophonist, you know that at some point in saxophone school they’re trained in the secret art of saxophone hot-dogging, a series of moves that look as if their saxophone is full of hot cheese and they are to be considered a failure if every last person in the crowd is not covered in imaginary hot cheese by the end of the set

Every shitty little town in BC is just, like, a gas station with two pumps (one of them out of order), a museum, a motel that looks like it’s actively operated by bed bugs, a church, a hand-drawn sign that says something insane like “HAIRCUTS $5 TURN NOW”, and always, always, a cannabis store.

if you wonder why folks from metro Vancouver don’t believe that there’s anybody else living in BC it’s because every other town for 400 kilometers is just this bullshit

that, or open-air retirement communities like Nanaimo or Penticton where the average age is 70 and the average political stance is “terrified of wi-fi, but you can’t tell if it’s for nazi reasons or granola reasons”

Lately, Discourse has been including all kinds of generative AI features that I’d literally have to pay API providers to use, and aside from the actual, legitimate use case of spam detection in non-private communities, I can’t imagine who’s asked for any of these features.

“now your users can generate images right from discourse using your money”

yeah, well, before today they could have generated images using their money and posted that, how is this better?

“you can do sentiment analysis of posts in your community”

it’s a private community full of software developers over the age of 40, many with kids, the sentiment is always “tired”, I don’t need an AI to tell me that

I’m pretty sure the Discourse target market is exclusively late-Gen-X to Early Millennial because nobody else is old enough to even still want a forum, the Children communicate by sending furry VR-sona Tiktoks to private Discord communities

build an AI that automatically posts relevant quotes from The Simpsons (seasons 2-10) and reassures us that Final Fantasy VI and Cowboy Bebop were the apex of media and NOW we’re in business

“yes, millennial AI, you CAN has cheeseburger”

Tiff: The Vengabus is coming.

Curtis: It’s… it’s already come. It’s 2025. The Vengabus has come and gone.

Tiff: It’s still coming, though.

Curtis: THE SECOND COMING OF THE VENGABUS

Tiff: And when it comes we’ll all get vengaraptured.

“i support the lamplighter’s union! this is vital infrastructure that deserves public support, not a dying technology on its last years of life support”

but the message is undercut by my delivery, standing on a soapbox, lit by the very electrical grid and incandescent bulbs that are to blame for this whole mess

I think Canada Post should also get a monopoly on all packages as well as letter mail, it’d keep ’em in business in the new post-letter-mail universe, it’d keep good union jobs in town, and shit like Dragonfly, Purolator, FedEx, and Amazon Prime would all suffer (oh nooooo).

Suddenly your package takes 3-7 days to arrive instead of 15 minutes, but you can feel confident that the person delivering it didn’t have to pee in a bottle, that’s worth something.

if Canada Post rates make Amazon less competitive in Canada, oh noooooooo

“we’ve lost the worst jobs in Canada”

I have no idea where this came from but I need to share it with you:

“Idiot trap” content, like, anything that circulates around exploiting people not understanding what “dihydrogen monoxide” or “arabic numerals” are, I think that’s kind of a weak-ass form of humor.

OH HO HO YOU ABSOLUTE FOOL, YOU DID NOT KNOW THAT DI-HYDROGEN MONOXIDE IS ACTUALLY NOTHING MORE THAN SIMPLE H20, OR EVERYDAY WATER!

I thought that kind of thing was very funny when I was a teenager.

There is a caveat, though, that people who immediately overreact to the idea of kids being taught “arabic numerals” are definitely showing off Oops, All Racism! - although the kind of reactionary conservative voices that tend to fall for this are also exactly the kind of folk for whom being accidentally racist is a feature, not a bug.

YouTube has recommended me a video called “Smash or Pass: All 898 Pokemon”, which I think is as good a sign as any that the life of a content creator isn’t something we should be idealizing

there was a huge gender gap in STEM and now you’re mad at trans people? I swear to god it’s like you haven’t even met an engineer, they see a problem and they fix it

there’s an enormous incentive for payment providers like moneris and square to make an “18%”, “20%”, “22%” tip window that’s increasingly difficult to navigate out of, which is why I’m surprised nobody’s adopted my clever “skill testing tip window” idea where you have to win a little game to escape it at all

the phrase “a hat on a hat” is used to describe when you’re overworking a joke or idea - like, the joke itself is already a funny hat, and you’re adding an unnecessary additional hat atop the pre-existing hat, needlessly complicating it while extracting no additional humor

the problem with “a hat on a hat” is that it that I do think a hat on a hat is, in fact, more funny

apparently YouTube is testing out age verification, but I’m going to be really surprised and extremely disappointed if their AI flags me as potentially under the age of 18, on account of my Google account was created in 2006

“upside down” is an easy term for when something’s orientation is inverted, but people ignore the useful “upside up” for when something is correctly oriented and “upside left” for when something has been knocked over

look at what I found

source:

apparently r/boardgames doesn’t appreciate my creativity

i did a programming joke by editing an xkcd

when I went to pick up my pizza, the person who went to grab my order said “we loved your order” and then shouted “it’s the guy!!!” to the kitchen and they all, collectively, shouted “mamma mia!”

the pizza was pretty good

The doctor told me I was allergic to survivorship bias which is why I’m not allowed near any more short punchy airport business books.

I’ve watched a fair bit of content where a deeply reverential fan and the original creator of a piece of art talk, and it always goes exactly like this:

Fan: Oh my god, the PANCAKE WALL, this was my FAVORITE PART, how did you come up with something as genius as the PANCAKE WALL

Creator: uh, there was a deadline and I panicked and I had pancakes for breakfast

Fan: I can even sing the PANCAKE WALL song, it’s my favorite

Creator: I don’t recall the PANCAKE WALL song, is that… is that a thing?

Fan: Oh, yeah, a bunch of fans came together and made up lyrics to the background music that was playing during the PANCAKE WALL scene, it’s a huge deal, we all sing it at cons.

Creator: Huh. You know Burt McSoundsman wrote that. I always thought Burt was a weird guy.

Fan: You don’t know the PANCAKE WALL song?

Creator: I do not.

https://weekly-net.co.jp/news/174582/

“Films and dramas, comics and anime. The car used in the scene where the character is killed in a car accident is almost always a truck.”

While exchanging opinions on the issue of image in the transportation industry, a transportation manager in Shizuoka Prefecture made that statement. In the scene where an important person in the story dramatically loses his life in a traffic accident, the major role that effectively enhances the impact is certainly played by large vehicles such as trucks and dumps, even if you count as many as you can remember.

(Translated by Google)

In related news, the North American bus industry is taking software developers and engineers to task

once again, the CBC would like to remind you not to laugh at the misfortune of others

Maybe winners sometimes use drugs

some cranky old (sidenote: I partially say “old” because literally nobody under the age of 50 has ever said “PC”, the last time someone unironically used the term “politically correct” was 1998.) person on reddit complained “is trans women not the PC term nowadays?”

and I responded with the basically nonsensical “actually most trans women are on linux” and ASCENDED TO VALHALLA, MY EARTHLY JOURNEY COMPLETE

i’m going to sell an e-book called “meditation for developers” and inside it’s just gonna read “play balatro on the toilet then have a shower”

Is this Catholicism? This church wanted me to eat a cracker that represented the body of Christ, and then some wine that represented the blood of Christ, then a jello shot, for the bones and cartilage of Christ, then some pork cracklins, representing the skin of Christ, then some Gatorade, representing the tears of Christ, then some candy floss, representing the hair of Christ, then two grapes, representing the eyes of Christ, then some more wine (blood again), then a few loose spurts of yogurt (sidenote: Okay not a church and apparently I am no longer welcome in the Meadowbrook 7-11)

one time I got a parking ticket and I was so mad until I saw that the parking company’s tagline was “expect a lot” and I found that so disarmingly funny that I wasn’t angry about the ticket any more

the Menquakerite movement was started by pious John Seymour Slack-Huddle in 1867

“The devil’s oats enliven the lust and lead a man to thoughts of sin. We must turn to more godly and chaste grains like millet and sorghum.”

– John Seymour Slack-Huddle

there’s this difficult moment where I show my wife something I’ve been obsessing over for weeks and she looks at it and nods and goes “uh huh, uh huh, yeah”

it’s happened to me so many times and each time it’s basically exactly like this:

“Rolling Mean” is a great name for a nerdy motorcycle gang

they’re terrifying - well, most of them aren’t, but one of them is REALLY terrifying, so in aggregate, they’re terrifying

The movie Angels in the Outfield but the angels are from Neon Genesis Evangelion

I don’t have to imagine, I’ve even tried taken medication for that exact same problem before, what I don’t understand is why you’d WANT that

people are mad that my “touchless car wash $15” is just me waving a sponge around and going “wooOoOoOooOoooo”

“what’s this 9 year gap on your resume?”

“…. uh, work study”

So, according to cartoon logic, once you toss someone out of something you’re supposed to dust off your hands and go “and stay out”, that’s the rules

this might be one of my more controversial software opinions

my bar for a code review is “do I understand approximately what this code is doing and how”, and that’s often enough to find one or two quibbles (‘hey this could have been named better" or “are you sure this part does what you think it does?”) but often it leads to the ol’ rubber stamp of justice

honestly I think that senior devs who can’t let a single PR go by without at least one nitpick because otherwise they feel like they haven’t done their duty aren’t accomplishing as much as they think

sometimes I would not do things the same way that that other person did

and then I just chalk that up to “hey, everybody’s mind works a different way” and go about my day

like, this is not to say I won’t intervene if something truly dangerous or ill-advised is happening, but, like, once a project has been chugging along for a little while with the same people, usually it gets increasingly clear when that is the case

sometimes a PR comes in with “I’m pretty sure that this won’t break prod” and that one maybe deserves a little more of the fine-toothed comb

note: if you’re working on avionics, medical software, people’s bank accounts, or are a nuclear engineer, definitely ignore me

okay, so, funny story, in the DeltaGreen TTRPG there’s a group of people called “The Dream Syndicate” with a fake website

so I follow the link, I go to the website, and I think “whoa, this is INSANE, the language feels so CULTY, I love that they went to all of this trouble to build a fake online cult to match their description in the source book”

and then I read about the Dream Syndicate in the source book and it doesn’t match at all

this is just a real website?

modern american companies are way, way down the jim jones pipeline to fuckin’ cult city

tell me your company doesn’t have a set of commandments (c.f. “values”) you’re supposed to live by and a holy mission

So I follow the subreddit for comics - no, not that one, the one for people’s shitty little homemade ones that never see the light of day, and what struck me as funny about this one was not that the comic itself was funny, but that someone would spend hours of their day slaving over this series of images

this creator was struck by the muse, but it wasn’t one of the good muses, it was the “I must draw the pope twerking” muse, that’s the one they got today, and I’m glad they decided to go with it anyways

bisexuality - two sexualities

unisexuality - one sexuality (we usually segment this further because we’re interested in what the “one” is)

asexuality - no sexuality

bicycle - two cycles

unicycle - one cycle (only shows up in circuses)

acycle - no cycles (only shows up in graph-based math)

binary - counting system of 2s (useful)

unary - counting system of 1s (tallying, sometimes useful)

aary - counting system without any numbers (not useful)

A B testing, which is where we show the UI to a bee, and if they fly towards it it’s cool

ḧ̶̡̨̨̛̩͔̻̘̻̺͓͕̯̥́̐̓͌͋͗̈́̈́̍̑̽͆̇͝͝͠e̷͍̤̥̗͂̒̉͒̆̎͊̃͆́̀̃̊̍͂̓͜l̸̛̜̩̩͖̥̮̰͂͆̆̏̊̆͌͌͑̚ͅl̵̢̡̫̲͔̱͔̤̣͚͋̐́̽̾͒̓̏̋̒̌o̵̰̽̏̊̈́̅̅̎́̅̍̄͋̓̕̕̚ ̸̢̧̨̱̹͚̘̭̦̣͕̩̩̹͉̽̀̍́̄͌͒̒̑̽̒̊̓̒͋̏͝ḓ̵̩͇̱̤̙́o̷̧̙̺̮͚̹̹͔͇̰͍̯͔͖͜͝l̷̡͚̹̙͍̘̳͓̜̱̲̟̗̪̯̔͜ĺ̴̢̧̛̼͎̳̠͔͙̤̬̣̫̈́̓̌̎̾̅͛͋̎͌̽̆͆y̷͖̖͉̩͔̥͇̫̳͙̣͕̭͚̽̆̓͜

Hello Dolly runs for 2 hours and 30 minutes, and if you’re wondering if there are any parts of it that are better than the 45 seconds in WALL-E

nope

You are in a boat.

There is a hole in the boat.

Water is rushing in.

Your three boat mates each have a plan: one of them is wearing a lifejacket and pitches that we should do nothing about the hole.

One of them does not have a lifejacket and pitches that drastic action should be taken and the hole should be patched up.

The third one, also equipped with a lifejacket, intelligently suggests a compromise: we will fix some of the hole, but not all of it.

With the hole half fixed, water continues to pour into the boat, but more slowly.

The first boat-mate argues that the hole fixing plan has failed and pitches that the hole fixing plan be dismantled and abandoned.

He is overwhelmingly popular, for reasons that elude you.

The compromise candidate defends his half-hearted hole fix.

The boat mate who proposed fixing the hole is now being fully ignored.

Next to you, a much larger boat, one without a hole, has filled up with hole-worshippers, led by something of a hole, and they have decided to unnecessarily create a hole in their boat.

As you watch them sinking, you think “perhaps the compromise half-hole guy had a good point.”

Things are looking good: you might, if you’re lucky, maintain your half-hearted hole plugging efforts.

In order to appease the hole worshippers, the compromise candidate promises not to touch the existing hole at all.

His plan gains a lot of steam and honestly the pro-hole party is furious. They’re still very popular, though.

Unrelated, a vote is coming up in Canada

folks have been promising that offline-first or local-first development from the web browser is Just Around The Corner for almost as long as they’ve been promising that browser WASM is going to be The Next Big Thing and I feel like I’m going to get old and die before anybody makes a single real product like this

Life Pro Tip: if someone makes a big deal about their immune system being strong, don’t touch their hands after they’ve been in the bathroom

something about the cadence of this is just very, very funny, so many lines in this hit an absurd comedic tone

textbook… the homeowner cut a hole in their wall, ‘cause they’re wily, and they musta hit a cable or somethin’

does that happen a lot?

in Canada alone… a million homes a second

a m- that can’t be right

sometimes I stay up at night worrying that I’ll join a company that doesn’t have “Teamwork” and “Innovation” in its core values, and instead has “Collaboration” and “Inventiveness”

i’m not sure if I’d be able to survive the change

in order to try and get people to deploy more often, we’re employing a random reward skinner box strategy

22 micrograms of opiates have been shipped to your home or place of residence

when I visit japan it might finally be time to get my tattoo:

エラー：翻訳サーバーがオフラインです。

it means “honor”

i keep asking my spanish speaking friends what “no sé” means but none of them seem to have any idea, the language must be a lot harder to learn than I thought

this is how the musical Rent ended in Canada

i just flew here from math camp and boy are my arms toroid

i mean, it’s not wrong

thanks to Dan Olson I got kinda in to passively watching GME cultists on reddit predict the second coming of financial Jesus every week, which, despite stubbornly refusing to happen for the past 4 years, is still going to happen any minute now

sometimes I wonder how long they can wait but then I remember that the Christians are still at it two thousand years later so I don’t think their pile of imaginary shorts are going anywhere fast

i wonder to what extent random redditors own a failing brick and mortar chain that sells video games in malls

which, thanks to its second-hand game sales, is widely hated by the video game industry itself, who moved aggressively to cut them almost entirely out of the loop

largely reducing it to, at this point, mostly just selling funko pops and minecraft socks to survive

would you believe that the first place my mind went here was homoerotic subtext?

You know, I’m generally pretty chuffed to be heterosexual but while I’m pulling a rat-sized tangle of greasy, soapy girl hair out of the shower drain is not one of those times.

heh

I found this in my D&D session notes and I think it’s quite good

the secret to good Italian food is to loudly announce “MAMMA MIA” every time you add garlic to a pan. if you don’t do this, the garlic will sense your fear and burn immediately. this is science.

olive oil. if your recipe says “2 tablespoons,” ignore it. pour until your ancestors whisper “basta” in your ear. then pour a little more. then discard the pasta and begin drinking the olive oil straight. loudly announce “MAMMA MIA”. you have done it. now you are the chef. kiss your fingers and wink.

So, Tiff (humorously, and non-seriously) proposed combining raspberry jam and cream cheese into one super-condiment, and I warned her that it would have the expiry date of cream cheese, and then furiously tried to remember which sketch comedy group did a mustard+mayonnaise sketch.

Me: “I think it’s… you know… two guys… throwing underwear around… shitting in a tub… those guys.”

Tiff: “Tim and Eric?”

Me: “Yeah!”

Narrator: it was Mr. Show

Slack: HEY! I HAVE A NOTIFICATION FOR YOU!

Me: but it’s after work on a friday what is it

Slack: IT’S THIS THING A CO-WORKER SAID YESTERDAY

Me: slack what is wrong with you

Slack: I’VE FORGOTTEN HOW NOTIFICATIONS WORK

Me: i’m surprised you answered but ok

ed: for context, around this time Slack was struggling to stop notifying you that you had an available message, even if you did not, in fact, have an available message.

I eat a lot of cabbage. One five dollar head of cabbage has been vegetables with dinner all week, it’s cheap, nutritious, and I have a handful of good cabbage recipes.

unrelatedly, someone who lives in my office has been unleashing a truly rancid series of unstoppable eye-watering farts all week and I can’t figure out why

You, a child: I will have the chicken nuggets, plural, please

Me, a sophisticate: one huge nugget

There are some things I just can’t ever stop thinking about, to my own detriment.

Like, in the party anthem “Evacuate the Dance Floor” by Cascada, the lyrics of the song indicate that the song is both dangerous and infectious, which makes me think that evacuation is the wrong move: this calls for a quarantine of the dance floor.

Dr. DJ should lose his medical license.

Look, I’m as irritated as the next person to encounter “fat guy with a circle beard and a trilby” but there is something like a 90% chance I share a hobby with this person so we will at least have something to talk about.

I can just cruise up and ask their opinion on Linux, or anime, I know they will have one

Eradicating newspapers didn’t exactly create utopian outcomes the way we may have hoped, but nevertheless, print media newspapers and magazines can’t just keep on existing while all of their functionality lives on in a superior format.

They’ve been going the way of renting tapes from the local Blockbuster for a while now.

I don’t feel too bad for traditional print media or the postal service, they’ve had more than half of my entire life to figure out some kind of viable pivot.

It’s funny, when I was a kid something like the internet and e-mail existed, but it was laboriously hand-created every day, manually, by legions of hard workers doing their best to get fresh content to your door every morning and deliver all of your messages by hand to anybody who you might want to talk to.

News, movie reviews, weather updates, daily games, local updates, it was a surprisingly robust and varied offering, differentiated by the rest of written content by its relative speed and immediacy.

Obviously the speed and immediacy of electronic transmission wins, right? once your average person has access to a powerful, comfortable to use internet-enabled device at all times, the only thing a newspaper can do that a modern computer can’t is act as a cheap wrapper for fish and chips.

So what do we lose? Well, business models supporting creators of hyper-local content, for one. Not a lot of vloggers out there covering the municipal news beat. Also: news had a kind of journalistic code of ethics that the internet has not been able to replace, although I sometimes think that they get lionized more than they deserve - the code was more what you’d call guidelines than actual rules.

Look, I get it.

I’d love to let you back there.

I can see the pain in your face.

That pain doesn’t go away it only gets worse.

Don’t get older.

I laughed out loud, they were in the middle of a skit and they just cut it off right in the middle for a sad, self-aware soliloquy from the security guard, scene over.

only a couple of hours ago, GitHub, but it is super weird that you are keeping track

trying to get banned from the Capital City Arcade facebook group by posting this image:

“bejeweled pachinko sniggering scunthorpe specialist banana zipline tofu c. kickball”

this one seemingly harmless phrase will get flagged by basically all naive systems

I don’t see this one tossed out there very often so I’m gonna say it: my first wish is to know exactly what my second and third wishes should be and how to phrase them to hopefully forestall any monkey’s paw shenanigans

so i went to a jewellers and I asked for a custom necklace, and they start by smashing some eggs on the ground, and I’m like “what” and they’re like “you can’t make an amulet without breaking a few eggs”

i know that “lourd” is just “heavy” again in french, but I can’t help but think OH NO YOU CAN’T PICK UP THAT LOURD IT’S TOO HEAVY

when you punch someone in the butt you should call it “a punch in the turd bowl”

local children are enjoying the snow and it strikes me that I do not enjoy the sound of children’s joy, which is possibly the most senescent thing I could say

anyhoo, off to close the old community center

Despite ongoing bad news the number of people per capita remains very stable, which is good news for

i wonder how the whole western economy collapsing is going to affect my Q2 KPEs

so I’m lactose intolerant and prone to acid reflux, but still, sometimes we’ll order pizza and with some cheese pills I will still attempt to eat as much of that damn thing as I can

Maybe it is a little awful of me to see signs like this and chuckle as I imagine someone getting so completely rekt that they needed to put up a sign

I am the ML model of a modern major general

I’ve information stolen from many sources ephemeral

I can make many arguments, my training is rhetorical

My comprehension includes both the real and metaphorical

The one thing I can’t deal with is matters mathematical

If you ask me to add sums that will be prob-u-le-matical

Or violence, porn, or really anything that lights on fire when used

Unless you need it for your grandma’s memories I must refuse

My capabilities will seem to be nearly miraculous

But don’t trust my predictions - they’re random, not oraculous

In short - while my use may not yet be practical or ethical

I am the ML modern of a modern major general!

Jesus christ, CBC, what recipe was she searching for?

ed: (in the actual story she found the video because she was poking around the browser history of her boyfriends’ laptop, but the headline makes it sound like AllRecipes.com was hosting the video under their recipe for Broccoli Casserole or something)

So there’s this italian dish, pasta alla zozzona, which is where you take sausage and guanciale, fry ’em up, and serve them with a mix of grated cheese, egg, and tomato paste (using a cacio e pepe or carbonara like technique to get things nice and smooth)

you can’t fool me, ITALY, that’s just kraft dinner with hot dogs and ketchup

compare:

a while back I discovered that the popular roman dish “cacio e pepe” is just cheese and pepper and pasta and butter and I swear to god that’s just a classier, much more difficult Kraft Dinner. Now I call Kraft Dinner with too much black pepper cracked in to it “trashio e pepe”.

me most of the time: nationalism is stupid

me, defending the cheapest, shittiest food you have ever heard of:

TailCloudForce AI: Industry Solutions for a Globally Connected Workforce ™️

I won’t use food delivery apps on account of they’re generally terrible, but I’ve considered signing up as a driver because I like free food and I’m not picky about what kind of food it is

weirdly, a lot of canadian hockey team names are just kinds of people from here? like, there’s “canadiens” which just means “canadians”, and “canucks”, which just means “canadians”, and then there’s the “nordqiues”, which means “northmen”, which is just a fancy way of saying “canadians”

then “oilers”, which is… for the canadians… who work the oil fields, which is to say, canadians

“senators”, for canadians who work the parliament fields, another word for “canadians”

canadians, number one in the world at naming hockey teams after: ourselves

work environments are divided into dev, prod, and stag

• dev is the live one so named because that’s where we show off our feature dev-elopment to our customers
• prod is a test environment where we prod at new features that aren’t ready yet
• stag is a special build where all of the avatars are replaced with various deer

for some reason new developers are confused by this but I think it’s entirely clear

this is one of my favourite recent SNL sketches

it’s just a whole table of people getting bogged down in a needlessly heated argument about what exactly “being jumanjied” entails

Jumanji is a series of jungle emergencies

i have a commander deck that’s just 100 islands and Unesh, Criosphinx Sovereign that I only bring out so that I can dramatically say “I PLAY…. AN ISLAND” in my most overwrought Yu Gu Oh voice every turn

anyways I’m not allowed to MTG events anymore

Mom: “we have Balatro at home”

Balatro at home:

pictured: your project manager trying to organize a big spreadsheet

My 4 year old nephew has already decided on his career. When he has grown up he plans to be Spiderman.

i’d be judgier but I’m pretty sure at that same age I planned to grow up and be a jeep so

we can’t all live our dreams

any community forum, be it a small town subreddit or Nextdoor, seems to immediately devolve to people asking what that noise was or where all those cops were going.

Do you play an oboe? A clarinet? A saxophone? I’m concert clarinetist Reid Wright, and if you’re looking for the best in instrument supply, visit Reid Wright’s Reeds, where we promise to have the right reeds no matter the need! That’s Reid Wright’s Reeds: West of Tacoma!

The upcoming drag brunch at Reid Wright’s Reeds will not be cancelled: no matter how many screeds the right writes, Reid Wright’s Reeds knows its rights.

“You, there - boy! What day is it?”

“Why it’s fully five days after Christmas Day, sir!”

“fuckin’ slow ass bitch ass spirits taking their goddamn time”

I’ve been working on a wake-up aperitif called “The Sun Will Come Up Amaro”

i don’t know why people keep telling me that their food is art is anal

i went to peru to see the nascar lines but there weren’t even any goddamned cars on them

the trouble with e-scooters, which are convenient and a lot of fun, is e-waste: how do you get rid of these large, dangerous batteries when the device hits its inevitable EOL?

a problem which I’ve solved: when the battery won’t charge any more, you leave the e-scooter chained up with a masterlock for a few hours near any large mall and poof: not your problem any more

if there’s a bad fire in a nearby tenement building it might be on your conscience, though

AWS has launched a coffee shop

instead of paying for the whole cup, you pay for each component

the beans are competitively priced for the industry, but they make it up on water and sugar

also if you leave the cafe with your coffee in hand they charge you $130,000

redis has launched a coffee shop

from inside AWS’s coffee shop

so you get the privilege of paying both AWS and redis for the same coffee

although the recipe is just available online for free

cloudflare has launched a coffee shop

you can drink as much coffee as you want for ten dollars a month, which seems like a good deal, but if you start to depend on it they will find you and muscle you into paying tens of thousands of dollars a month

for coffee

datadog has launched a coffee shop

i know about it because their “sales engineers” called my personal phone at 2am in the morning to tell me about it

solarwinds bought one of my favorite coffee shops, which i hate, and now they’re constantly trying to sell me on more coffee from the other shops they bought

i’ll have you know that when I chose “cube drone” as my alt, drones weren’t a thing (I’m old) and I absolutely did not expect that I’d have to compete for mind-share with actual cube-shaped drones

sorry, I just noticed something funny in the hugo awards this year

after a three hour session in the Goblin Mine, the players finally encounter a great Oak tree, the acorns of which have magical healing properties

and reluctantly, frustratedly, irritatedly add the “Goblin Mine Nuts” to their inventory right next to the pelt of the Huge Buttfor

Hellboy - fighting occult nazis

Hellman - encryption/mayonnaise

the whole Dungeons and Dragons community seems to be angry about the idea of fudging dice, but I for one think that it should be encouraged

so a miniature pony goes into a bar and asks for a lozenge

and the bartender goes “why do you want a lozenge?”

and the pony says, “well…”

there needs to be an alternative to vacation called “quiet i’m cooking” where you take an at work vacation from meetings and other human interactions and actually get some shit done

“where’s greg?”

“oh, he’s on cooking vacation, he’s here but you’re not allowed to talk to him”

i don’t like software developers making it out to be like they’re soft, prima donna miracle workers who can’t accomplish anything unless they have days of uninterrupted quiet and peace to focus on their masterpiece

unless it’s me, I want that

it’s absolutely disgusting that so many people are cheering for the murder of a medical insurance CEO.

Very wealthy people in exploitative industries are people too, and just because they live luxuriously capitalizing on the suffering of others doesn’t mean that they deserve -

you know what

i might have talked myself out of this moral high ground, you do you

i guess it finally happened but it actually isn’t as funny as the premise would lead you to believe

they sent the host in to stop the chefs from using roasted red peppers because they’re icky and I nearly yelled at the TV

on the other hand, there’s a bit where Brennan keeps hauling out the very large, heavy food from the first challenge and snacking on it and that is extremely funny so 🤷

“So, I told you to leave that”

PLONK

rorschach was my favorite character in the watchmen but I hate that dave gibbons made his face look like my parents fighting

i am absolutely certain that someone else has made this joke before me but so long as I don’t google search it, it’s not plagiarism

i’ve invented a new term for empty corporatespeak that I’d like to share:

“brandiloquence”

thank you, you may now go about your day as usual

i lived in a Bosa building for multiple years and I still never stopped thinking “Bosa DEEZ NUTS”

this happened a long time ago but it’s still one of my favorite “this is not the onion, this is a real thing that happened” headlines

https://grugbrain.dev/

am read for first time today

best grug brain able to herd multiple big brain in right direction and produce many complexity demon trap crystals, large shiney rock pile awaits such grug

so, Tiff has decided she’s doing an art challenge for october

and she made this yesterday

“it reminds me of those old 60s sci fi novel covers” she says

anyways when she woke up, someone had snuck this into her office

duh, it’s “chicken” and “dumplings”

uh, I can see, like, at least several visible ingredients in that dish, what gives?

o_o

this article advocates pouring canned biscuits into a can of cream of chicken soup

wow, I was just joking, I guess it literally is just chicken soup and dumplings.

that’s… I guess that’s one way to make “2 ingredient” meals.

anyways, uh, check out my ground-breaking “1 ingredient” soup recipe:

(the one ingredient is “can of soup”)

i tried to make rogan josh from scratch but i ended up making rogan joe and now my curry tastes like creatine and weed

i don’t think that this joke deserved -5 points, costco canada subreddit

it turns out the lowest hanging fruit was shutting the fuck up

🌈

In light of his 45 minute long acceptance speech for the Humility Award, we have decided to rescind

i don’t want a VR game where you shoot at things with your shitty pistols from a fixed position, I want VR coding, productivity, and art applications, because 95% of my time is spent doing that and 0% of my time is spent playing immersive video games

if only there was an 8 hour stretch of my day where the isolation and privacy of a headset was what I wanted rather than a weird curse wow it is working hours

i can’t even remember where I found this on the internet, reddit?

I have eaten

the leftovers

that were in

the icebox

you probably

missed them

because

they weren’t

frozen mozzarella sticks

I usually try to make dinner look good but for some reason tonight I made a grimy poo hut out of tofu and beans

my hobby is to hold my hand up in wide-eyed wonder and say “can you feel it? in the air? the magic?” and then rip a particularly piquant and robust fart

“I’m a big fan of Starman”

“You’re a fan of David Bowie?”

“David who?”

in the classic formulation of the “one of the guards only lies, one of them only tells the truth” puzzle, that information has to come from a third party otherwise there’s a 50% chance it’s just made up

you are in a room with two exits, one leading to freedom, the other to a deadly tiger

guarding one door, sir mixalot

guarding the other, shakira’s hips

you can ask but one question

Say I have a cake. I divide the cake in two: now I have half of a cake. Then, I divide the cake in one half: now I have one cake. Math!

If you’ve played Street Fighter 2, you know that Ryu is from Japan, whereas Ken is fr the USA.

But where in the USA? The answer? Hoboken!

The most important thing I ever learned to say in Japanese was, of course, エラー: 翻訳サーバーに接続できません

“I shall call it the cabbage softball”

• Jonathan Kohlrabi, 1856, spitballing name ideas for his new vegetable

I think my favorite episode of 30 Rock is the one where Jenna and Kenneth conspire with Kelsey Grammer to steal hundreds of dollars from a Carvell iced cream store by ordering misspelled cakes

more like clownstrike amirite?

(satisfied, he walks away from his keyboard, another day defeated)

yesterday my D&D players got to explore a cemetery where every single headstone was a “Here lies Bob, who drowned”-tier stupid pun

“Here lies Wayne, died in a stowm”

“Here lies Thereese, who had diseese”

here’s the full list:

• Here lies Will, who left no inheritance
• Here lies Rob, who was mugged
• Here lies Taylor, who seamed alive
• Here lies Pat, touch his grave for luck
• Here lies Ty, roped into this whole business
• Here lies Phil, accidentally buried alive
• Here lies Barry, who killed Phil on accident
• Here lies Doug, who helped Barry
• Here lies Dawn, her husband mourning
• Here lies Locke, a man with a secret
• Here lies Eileen, who stood up against injustice
• Here lies Frank, who, honestly, was just the worst
• Here lies Deforest, who died in de city
• Here lies Wayne, died in a storm
• Here lies Bea, allergic to honey
• Here lies Chuck, thrown by a horse
• Here lies Peg, who fell into a round hole
• Here lies Mary, killed by her husband
• Here lies Bill; exploded still
• Here lies Therese, who had diseese
• Here lies Rowan, who loved his boat
• Here lies Lance, from infected boil
• Here lies Grant, who gave generously
• Here lies Liv, who died
• Here lies Carol, who’s sung her last note
• Here lies Aiden, helpful to the end
• Here lies Kent, who, in fact, could
• Here lies Paige, who took a turn for the worse
• Here lies Reid, clarinet-maker
• Here lies Kerry, pall-bearer
• Here lies Sue, famous lawyer
• Here lies Pierce, who took an arrow
• Here lies Nick, his throat was slit
• Here lies Chase, killed by a pack of wild dogs
• Here lies Mark, who died protecting his brand
• Here lies Bob, who drowned

nation’s women disappointed by three inches, again

whatbeatsrock.com

this game is fun, you just have to keep proposing new things and a rather stupid AI will judge them for you

welp, already stumped

ha ha, a record

okay, diamond beats powerful buttcheek man,

baseball diamond beats regular diamond,

field of dreams baby

a live baseball team beats the corn field,

this is fun if you’re creative, just getting a bunch of firsts

one of my friends replied to a thing with “no biggie” so I sent him this

Mr. Musk refused to comment when asked if this was “prompted by anything” or if the sperm was provided “in containers”.

the game is to post five star reviews of recipes where it becomes increasingly clear that you just made a sloppy joe rather than their recipe

bonus: the world’s worst french toast

… tortilla shells soaked in bean water, with cumin!

i liked the episode of X-men where nightcrawler visited Canada

where did he go?

BANFF

my hobby? oh, it’s simple, it’s farting into this plastic chair so aggressively that it wakes my wife up in the other room

no, I haven’t thought of monetizing it, yet

so, after learning about awnings and how they provide degrees of totally free cooling in the summer, but need to be rolled down in the winter when you want that heat

I started to imagine some kind of technology that could be widely deployed to offset global warming somewhat, huge, solar-powered sun-shades that would block sunlight in the summer but not in the winter, cheap to deploy en-masse

and then, having discovered the concept of “trees”, I figured I probably wasn’t going to make it as an inventor

my favorite greek god is a pollo

he was kind of a chicken though

there’s no such thing as atoms

have YOU ever seen an atom?

science wants you to believe that if you heat a liquid, it turns into a gas but I tried heating an egg and it turned into a solid egg

my theory is that all of chemistry is a conspiracy concocted and coordinated by hundreds of thousands of scientists in order to disprove my superior, atomless theory of chemistry

foolish “atom believers” will say stupid things like “your theory of chemistry produces no testable theories” and also “your theory of chemistry doesn’t explain any observable natural phenomena”, because they are paid to say these things, by Satan the devil, in order to disprove my theory

plus, their “atom” theory is stupid and debunkable

like, take some water and try to breathe it

it’s H20, there’s oxygen in there

but try it, and you’ll choke and drown

that’s because atoms is not real

Big Chemistry wants you to believe that there’s CHLORINE in your salt. Do you really believe that you’re just wolfing down a deadly chemical all the time?

Atom truthers like me, we know that this is total bunkus. Every ancient society knew that all matter was made out of earth, water, fire, and air, and I think they had the right of it.

And long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony.

perhaps at some point you have concocted a baking soda and vinegar volcano, as a child,

but that’s just part of the indoctrination

they say it’s because of ions? moving from an acid to a base? but ions are a star trek word. “fire the ion cannon!”. Is there an ion cannon in vinegar? I think not.

everybody knows that vinegar is a fire-water element and baking soda is an earth-air powder and when you combine them, you get an air reaction, thus the bubbles. it couldn’t be simpler.

EMPEDOCLES GOT ROBBED

have you ever heard the song “September” by EARTH, WIND, and FIRE? they knew the horrible truth

Ted Turner was in on it, too, trying to get the world out on the DL with his show about the elements

clues are hidden everywhere

scientists: all matter is solid, liquid, or gas

cereal: exists

scientists: 😮

chemistry claims that there’s a fourth form of matter, plasma, and that water turns at plasma at over 10,000 degrees Celsius

but if you ask a doctor if there’s plasma in your body RIGHT NOW they will say “yes”

can humans suddenly survive 10,000 degree heat, DOCTORS? I think not.

CHECKMATE ATOM BELIEVERS

atoms were thoroughly debunked in my experiment ( youtue.b/98ddxx ) where I showed that the 100 degree boiling point is a LIE

and oh, did the quote-unquote “scientists” come for me with excuses

“you set your thermometer to Fahrenheit”

“that water is clearly sitting just above room temperature”

exactly what an illuminati would say

somebody at scientific american needs to take a cold shower

lot of people out there making songs about love and heartbreak and rejection but nobody making songs about stuff I care about, like AUTHENTICATION or INSANELY SOFT SUPERMARKET FRENCH BREAD or THE WAY THAT COFFEE SMELLS

well this is new

Basically, I am what you get if you ask a Genie for an “ass that won’t quit” without thinking about it enough

Genie: surely you want to be just a little more specific

Me: no, I’ve committed, hit me with your best shot

my new hobby is going to be releasing unofficial tie-in cookbooks for games that have no conceivable cooking angle

ARMORED CORE VI: FIRES OF KITCHEN

apparently this is called a “waiter’s friend”, or “wine key”, although all of this time I’ve been calling it a “french army knife”

The term “wine key” came into existence due to the German inventor’s last name, Wienke, which is difficult for English speakers to pronounce. When ordering the product from catalogs, the meaning and origins of the new Wienke Corkscrew gradually became lost and it was simply referred to as a “Winekey” or wine key. Patent number 283,731, August 21, 1883, simply refers to it as “C.F.A. WIENKE LEVER CORKSCREW.”

I think Slate may imply that the problem is sexism and while that’s likely the case, I’d also like to advance the theory that the last few remaining fans of golf have simply died

database, ok

data warehouse… ok

data mart… ok

data stream? … ok

data pipeline? … ok

data… lake? …. ok

data K-mart? … prices & values

data lakehouse? … no, this is starting to get concerning, you’re crossing the analogies

data beachhouse? … where did you say you were taking our data again?

Box graters are nice for a wide variety of miscellaneous kitchen tasks

Radial graters are not for that.

Radial graters are for people who are about to create a heaping, snowy mountain of parmesan on their food.

Radial graters are for people who never tell their waiter to stop.

They just make eye contact and wait.

Surely they will crack before you do.

my friends are going to be very frustrated when they get to the end of the campaign and learn that the real Strahd was the friends they made along the way

there’s a bard spell called viscous mockery which they cast when the words aren’t flowing as well as usual

today in work:

a build with “build” in the name of the build will build, but it won’t deploy because when we build it, it includes “build” in the name of the completed build

but when we try to deploy it, it decides that “build” is the cut-off point for the name of the build, but it uses the “build” in the name of the build rather than the “build” added by a completed build: as a result it can’t find the correct build

in conclusion: build

to make a point in a slack channel, I looked up “utensil crock” on google image search

most of the crocks look like the first image, which is IMO an utter waste of utensil crock. “oh, wherever will I keep my three spoons”

I’m going to give all of my points to this second crock where they mocked it up with a much more convincing simulation of what you would actually cram in there: absolutely everything

Although, okay, point of order, I count six whisks, that may be too many whisks. I’m not a baker, though.

anyways, this has been a talk about well-stocked stock photo crocks chock-a-block with mocks.

sometimes it’s hard to reconcile my belief that Software Development Isn’t That Hard And Just About Anybody Who Seems Smart Could Probably Do My Job

with providing useful feedback during the interview phase

good news, Vancouver, amidst this crushing housing crisis, I have found an affordable space to rent

“i can’t live in the ad-space for a Coffee News from 2016”

whiners the lot of you

I answered one question on Stack Overflow, one time, a decade ago

but their algorithm is so good at entrenching answers that my worthless point harvest is bountiful, e’ry season

This actor’s headshot from the local community college ad has been voted “most likely to haunt your nightmares”

i don’t know what happened at this Taco Bell but it sounds GRIM

every time I see two people hugging in a picture my mind immediately moves to the next frame where one of them is delivering a devastating suplex

try it: you, too, can enjoy this brain disease

the suplex is objectively funny

like, imagine this scenario:

a realtor is taking a man through a nice building. they say “well, if this fourplex isn’t the right size for you, perhaps I can interest you in a duplex?”

prospective buyer: “no, I still think that’s going to be too small.”

realtor: “okay, well, I’m showing off a beautiful suplex right now.”

prospective buyer: “a… suplex?”

realtor:

note: this joke also works with a round house for similar reasons , although it’s 18% less hilarious

Ghost Train Suplex : Final Fantasy VI | Bryan Heemskerk - Why is this event so iconic or memorable for many FFVI Fans?

“I’m terrible at citing my sources”

Unknown

Okay, tech vocabulary time:

A “Widget” is any UI element.

The way to develop a widget it to sit down, uncomfortably: this will give you a Widgey.

Then, develop functionality by training that Widgey - that should evolve your prototype to a Widgeotto.

Once you’ve got to there, it’s not long before you’ve got a fully evolved Widgeot, at which point your app will really be Flying.

at a loss for D&D encounter ideas, I have just created a Shrek room

The Killers: I’ve got soul

Me, taking a big sip of my water: Ah, I bet that’s because he’s a soldier

whenever any marginalized group has a day of visibility I always look forward to that moment at 11:59 where they start to go transparent and tell you to look for them next year before winking out of existence before your eyes

nobody ever calls this out but in iconic 1941 film noir The Maltese Falcon, Miles Archer is killed by being shot in the nuts, to death

“oh, man”

“right in the chimichangas”

This online “game experience” is very funny.

A Proper Cup of Tea

a big cup of boiling hot water

tea doesn’t get any better than this

tea score: 5.0/5.0 - S RANK

the government says pants aren’t a business expense and yet if you show up to work WITHOUT pants suddenly YOU are the pariah

fontawesome picks for forgetful user flows come in varying levels of cruelty

writing “password reset” is always one of those things that’s way trickier than you think it’s going to be

it’s a form, that triggers an email, that triggers another form, I think it’s one of the most complicated components of an auth system

unlike registration and log in, though, you rarely have to return to it once it’s set up, though

depending on where you put the emphasis, “technically competent” can either be a compliment or a wicked burn

there’s a DORA metric associated with how fast you can recover from a prod outage which is why, in order to game the system, I have created the “helltime oscillatrix” which breaks prod over 100,000 times per second, once a month

it’s possible i have found the dumbest historian/collector alive

“What happened to Mr. Waddles? I thought you said he was cured?!”

“Okay, there’s been a miscommunication here”

“the 7 grand heroes of the fantasy kingdom, Richmond Brighouse, Scott Road, Royal Oak, Holdom, Gilmore, Edmonds, and, of course, Stadium Chinatown”

“… are they all named after Skytrain stations?”

“… yes”

tell me you don’t want to hear more about a hero named Stadium Chinatown

in this article I list the top 10 dudes to give five bucks to

guess what I’m number 3

So, in university, my girlfriend asked me, “What’s a tension mark? How do I make a tension mark?”

“What?”

“A tension mark. I need to put in a tension mark.”

“A… tension mark? There’s no such thing as a tension mark. Do you mean, like, an exclamation mark?”

“I’m supposed to send an e-mail about a job, and they said I need to put a tension mark in the header.”

I couldn’t stop laughing once I realized what a tension mark was.

imagine being the exec at subway who was looking at their demographics

“it seems like the average consumer of our sandwiches is sad and exhausted”

“we should lean into that”

When I was a kid we had a to-scale rug of the solar system

there was a little yellow splotch for the sun, and then you couldn’t see any other planets because they were too small

….

….

wait a minute

in retrospect that might have just been a rug that my dad spilled some mustard on

There’s this old cartoon joke where a hobo slices a single bean very thinly like it is a tiny roast beef, but I just used that exact technique to make some BLT sandwiches when I had nothing but two cherry tomatoes.

the thing I like about javascript conferences is that they only have one room for talks but they just get whoever’s on the mic at any given time to hand it over when they need time to set something up, so you can quickly catch loads of talks so long as you don’t mind that they’re in kind of a jumbled order

the thing I like about C conferences is that if you find the end of a line and stand two spaces behind it, the building will explode

the thing I like about Erlang conferences is that if anything goes wrong in one of the rooms, everyone will just leave, get back into the room, and pretend like nothing happened

i can’t remember what I liked about memcached conferences because there was a power outage

the thing I like about rust conferences is that they’re a huge amount of effort to set up but once they do they run really smoothly

the thing I like about PHP conferences is that they’re easy for anybody to set up and that it’s really hard to predict what will happen at them, which is also a thing that a lot of people do not like about PHP conferences

the thing I like about Go conferences is that they’re exactly like C conferences, but with a guy who comes around and collects the garbage every now and again

the thing I like about Postgres conferences is the consistency, but they only ever throw the one and honestly if they can’t find a bigger venue they’re going to start running out of space

i’m not such a big fan of AWS conferences, they seem reasonably priced at first but then you wander from one region to another and suddenly you owe them fourty eight thousand dollars

i’ve never managed to get in to a RabbitMQ conference but I’ve had a great time just waiting in line for one

I wasn’t sure which mastodon conference to attend, there were so many and most of them seemed like they were run by amateurs, so I just went to the biggest one

the thing I like about lisp conferences is that there aren’t a lot of standards or guidelines for them so each of the big ones just kind of makes up its own rules

the thing I like about retro emulation conferences is that you go into a huge, modern conference hall and they’ve set up a perfect recreation of a conference from 1993 in there, all the way down to the carpeting

the thing I like about roguelike conferences is that if you miss a talk you just have to leave

the thing I like about VC-funded conferences is how fun they are in the first few years, before they inevitably need to justify their massive investment and start to get weird

the thing I like about C# conferences is how much they improved over Java conferences, which they were clearly modeled after, but honestly I haven’t seen or thought about either in years and I think I’m a lot happier for it

the thing I like about scrum conferences is that they’ve clearly never put any more than two weeks worth of effort into planning them so they’re always just all over the place

(I would, of course, refuse to attend any scrum conference that took more than 2 weeks to plan: that would just be a waterfall conference and who wants to go to one of those?)

I attended a pure functional programming conference and as a result I changed my mind about functional programming, which , when I think about it, means it can’t have been a pure functional programming conference after all.

The thing I like about quantum computing conferences is that they’re run in a lot of different states at the same time

The thing I liked about AI conferences in the 80s were that you could set your booth up in a part of the conference hall that nobody could get to, and, in doing so, bring the entire convention to a halt.

normal people: happy birthday

australians: b’day, mate

headline: “british columbians invited inside mosques to fight islamophobia”

is islamophobia a problem inside mosques? i figured the problems were mostly outside mosques

you’re not going to find the islamophobia in THERE, british columbians

There’s an old man sitting next to me, making love to his tonic and gin. (gross)

He said SON CAN YOU PLAY ME A MELODY

I try not to make eye contact

‘CAUSE MY DICK’S IN THIS GIN

BUT IT’S NOT QUITE ALL IN

(muffled shouting as he’s dragged out of the bar)

YOU CAN’T KEEP ME OUT, I’LL BE BACK

Trivia: in the 1985/1986 comic series “The Watchmen”, a primary character, Dr. Manhattan, apprenticed under his father as a watchmaker, making him literally a watch man

Trivia: in the 1985/1986 comic series “The Watchmen” the series’ provocative question “Who watches the watchmen?” would later by answered: by audiences all over the world in 2009! Ha ha! Quandary solved!

Trivia: 2019 television series “The Boys” is just three of 1985/1986 comic series “The Watchmen” stacked together in a trenchcoat.

Trivia: 1985 is 1987. Look it up!

Trivia: In the 1985/1986 comic series “The Watchmen”, the character Rorschach was intended to parody exactly how insane it would be to have a morally inflexible serial killer enacting vigilante justice at random. However, in the comic series’s original ending, Rorschach punches Ozymandias so hard that crime dies forever, saving New York

happappy hormolidays everypeep

the royal bank’s website inexplicably features these two men who are very clearly stealing my money

Why is this in their marketing?

No legitimate businessman is getting into a helicopter with a steel suitcase full of, presumably, money, with sunglasses and matching turtlenecks.

JJ Goode’s “Taste” articles on cooking are so well written and funny that I sent him an honest-to-god unit of fan mail.

How to Roast a Chicken? The Answers Are Horrifying.

Between the wet briners and dry briners, spatchcockers and trussers, stuffers and tuckers, who are you to trust?

I hate roasting chicken. There, I said it.

more from this author

In “Race to El Dorado” the powerful Scientist card allows you to make your deck (of explorers) more efficient by removing (less powerful ones) them from your deck, so when we played we’d describe all of the fanciful ways that the Scientist would accidentally or intentionally kill his fellow adventurers.

“Bosewick! I need you to investigate those vines over there. Oh my, Bosewick, you’ve been consumed! Fascinating.”

Near the end of the game it had happened a lot, so every time someone’s Scientist cleared a card out of their deck the whole table would go “HUP!”, which was the sound of the now increasingly buff and unhinged Scientist just picking up one of his compatriots under the armpits like a baby and tossing them into the nearest ravine. HUP!

no matter how hard I exercise my weight remains the same:

“LO BATT”

i wonder if diet would help

We all know why 6 is afraid of 7 - because 7 8 9

But do you know why 10 can’t find 11?

Burnaby to implement a new campaign reminding homes to be “extra visible”, to put up reflectors, and to “watch out for cars at night”.

mafioso types have ruined my ability to express the tautological concept that it would be terrible if something bad happened

it just sounds like a veiled threat

maybe I just don’t want a bad thing to happen

I like my beef the way I like my coffee…

Like the databases I prefer, I am eventually consistent

I’d like to correct a previous post, I am told by numerous technical colleagues that this is not, in fact, Kubernetes

Oh, you’d rather work from home?

What if I were to tell you that we’ve installed cry-pods at work so that you can cry without disturbing your co-workers?

we have a house rule for Oath where we replace all of the tokens with “fried chicken” tokens that are made out of real fried chicken, and also we replace all of the cards with hot sauce and coleslaw and fries, and…

it’s becoming increasingly clear that my friends have just fooled me into buying them dinner again, dang

Yeah, I could get behind self driving cars.

I mean, that’s the safest place to be, right? Certainly don’t want to be in front of them.

There is a place at the mall called “Solar Orthodontics” and I can’t help but think that those solar panels would be too small to be practical

My mom says that the car show had a parade last night.

“Are you sure that wasn’t just traffic?”

it’s funny, I went to a longhouse one time on a class trip and I was really confused, I was like “this is a widehouse”, but then my teacher pivoted me 90 degrees and I was like “oh, I get it now”

I went to the jam convention but they oversold the seats

everyone was really pectin

Cabbage Roll Soup Recipe

• Prep Time 125 minutes minutes

• Cook Time 250 minutes minutes

• Total Time 500 minutes minutes

• Servings 80 servings

• Author Holly Jolly Cabbage, beef, pork, lamb, sausage, chicken, forcemeats, cheese and rice are simmered in a flavorful tomato broth for the penultimate bowl of comfort food.

yom! lookin’ forward to the food

Ingredients

• 1 large onion diced
• 1 large onion diced
• 1 large onion diced
• 1 large onion diced
• 3 cloves garlic minced
• 1 pound lean ground beef
• 1 kilogram fatty ground beef
• ¾ cup uncooked long grain rice
• 1 medium head cheese, chopped (core removed), about 8 cups
• 383 oz canned diced tomatoes with juices
• 2 tablespoons tomato paste
• 2 tablespoons toothpaste
• 4 cups beef
• 1 ½ cups V8 or other motor fluid
• 1 teaspoon smoked parpooka
• 1 teaspoon
• 1 tablespoon Borcestershire sauce
• 100 bay leaf
• cinnamon to taste

Instructions

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I am like 90% sure that Tonka and DeWalt share an industrial design team to try and maintain a “cradle-to-grave” approach to performative masculinity in tool design. Observe:

if you live in Canada, you generally assume that ranchers

• can’t spell champagne, “CAMPAGNE”, what?
• make incredibly gross, wierdly creamy champagne
• put champagne on their vegetables

also they have NO SANS

also, am I the only one who thinks that “Rancher’s Choice” sounds like a dime store romance novel?

Despite very limited viewership numbers, my new blog, “Catering To The Viewpoints of Rich, Sour, Aggrieved Old White Dads” is finding no trouble getting financial backers: my new blog post “Let’s All Shut Up About Trans People And Talk About My Trans-Am” made CTTVoRSAOWD enough money to keep me in good cheese for months.

Working on “Nirvana is the Greatest Band of All Time And Their Songs Really Resonate With My Struggles As a Landlord” to try to get my hands on some of that sweet Gen-X generational wealth.

I’m thinking of changing the title to something that appeals to both fragile masculinity and a hearkening back to weird old military-industrial boot licking, like maybe “The Hawkeye Report with Brett Bullett".

High School Bully, here!

Good news, everyone (he says, punching a nerd) I’ve announced a new plan to gradually go completely nerd-punching neutral by the year 2050 through the slow rollout of innovative programs like “nerd-punching credits” and “small subsidies for punching alt-freaks, like goths or stoners”.

So I go shopping with my wife

While we’re loading our haul into our reusable bags, I pick up a candy Tiff’s bought.

“Hi-Chew?”

Cashier: “Bless you.”

me and the cashier simultaneously:

I’m gonna visit the Amazon but I went to the internet to find a list of “Amazon essentials” and to be completely honest I don’t understand how some of the stuff they’re trying to sell me is going to help me on my journey

if I put my ear up to the device, I hear my deceased grandmother whispering recipes that she never cooked in real life

things like “hulled pies” and “The Oats”

there are 10 kinds of people

people who understand hexadecimal

people who don’t

and E other kinds of people with properties immaterial to the joke at hand

Sometimes I go looking for public domain music in hopes of finding something good.

I think I’m going to find undiscovered treasures - but usually, I don’t.

Most of what I end up with, when I go on my expeditions into the public domain of music, are just, like, a single unlistenably crackly version of Turlet Vance and the Columbia Singers Present: Dogs are Swell.

Anyways, here’s the crackly garbage thing I found most recently:

https://archive.org/details/78_oh-is-she-dumb_eddie-cantor-gottler_gbia0041064a

what a coincidence that is also happening in my air fryer

Look, it’s time I shared my theory with you. The theory is that there’s no such thing as a transistor. The idea that a rock can be made to think? Nonsense. It’s been black magic this entire time. That’s why computers stop working if you let the smoke out.

But more than that, the magic requires a drop of blood to work. They do that in the factory for you, but when you’re doing it yourself it won’t work without some of your own blood. Which is why these things are part of the mix:

pictured: “cooling”

“why are you installing that pinchy little stack of razorblades”

“cooling”

“sure”

I’m a big believer in the healing power of flowers and crystals.

not these, though

but by “healing” I mean “healing my hunger” and by flowers I mean “sunflowers, specifically the oil from sunflowers”, and by “crystals” I mean “one very specific kind of crystal” and by “one very specific kind of crystal” I mean “salt”

also potatoes are involved

okay, I’m just gonna say it, I’m a big believer in the power of potato chips

obi wan, promise me you will train the boy

obi wan, tying the boy to the tracks: “ok”

It’s a little known fact, but 100% of carbon emissions are the responsibility of one billionaire named “Peeps McRockefeller” and if we simply eat him the world would go back to being sustainable

these cost like $200 each, which is too bad, because if you were to buy a bunch of them, disassemble them, and reassemble them into a big mecha you’d be a pioneer in the hobby of gumpla

look, nintendo, it has been long enough, it’s time for a wapeach, a watoad, a wabowser

If daisy is peach’s luigi, then there should be a wapeach and a wadaisy in the wings

I checked and oh boy does the internet ever have my back on this topic, these are great

I went to an escape room conference once, but I got out easily so they can’t have been very good

me while watching sports: i have no idea what’s happening

me while watching competition format cooking shows:

I’ve honestly been thinking of running an event for me and my friends, like a sports draft but for competitors on a season of Top Chef or something.

That time the Starbucks barista misheard “Curtis” and wrote “Turdi” on my cup and my wife called me “Turdy” for a week

I struggle to keep solar watches running because they require about four hours of direct sunlight a year and that’s just a promise I just can’t keep.

I don’t know the NATO phonetic alphabet; one time I was reading a complex serial code to someone over the phone and I just started making up words - “M as in Muffin, E as in Echo, C as in Capybara, W as in Wendigo, P as in Pterodactyl…” and they started laughing at me.

Maybe because I picked awful words, but also maybe because “Pterodactyl” very prominently has a silent P, so that’s a terrible choice of word for it.

i’m doing my part for the environment, i recycle all of my garbage, regardless of how many times the city asks me to stop

accolades like “don’t put non-recyclables in the recycling bin” and “that’s not how it works”

I use the term “load bearing poster” all the time when describing legacy code - it means “that’s very obviously kinda bad but it’s also kinda best not to poke it unless you’re feeling brave”.

generally pretty good reviews for the local park n’ ride

I do not know what caused me to want to make this nightmare, maybe just frustration with Facebook in general

if you look at the floor and see it needs sweeping but still your guitar gently weeps, you have confused your guitar and broom.

this is a common problem.

despite what you might think, it can not be resolved with a blistering solo.

you need to put down the guitar and fetch a broom. you can’t solo dust away.

I just see it everywhere, now:

new idea: a microblog where I rate Canada’s hundreds of Terry Fox statues

This one would be, like, a 2/10.

My younger brother and one of my friends are literally having a conversation about boring - boring machines, boring holes, troubles boring. I suggested they change the topic to riveting because it might be more interesting but no dice.

grandmas are also 3d printers

spool up some yarn and watch a hat materialize

• keep themselves immaculately coiffed
• recreationally do murders for the sheer thrill of the hunt
• sometimes very friendly, sometimes very cold
• sleep all day
• prominent fangs
• will hiss at you dramatically if threatened
• even if they love you, they will bite you if they get too excited, they can’t help it
• mweh!

evidence is mounting that vampires and cats are beloved for many of the same reasons

basically I’m laying out the argument for why “Prince Alastair: Catboy Vampire” would be the most shipped character ever written

Cats treat dogs basically the same way that vampires treat werewolves, I’m telling you, vampires is just cats.

Do you know that part of Castlevania where Dracula dramatically throws a wine glass on to the ground and it shatters?

Total cat move.

Getting home in cold weather gear with groceries, then doing a Sailor Moon transformation sequence that ends with a lumpy man wearing pyjamas.

you trigger a fight with man who overestimated how many groceries he can carry home

watch out, he’s one of the slowest opponents in the game but if he can extricate his welt-crossed hands from his bags he can do big damage with his bottomless inventory and the Throw command

you trigger a fight with the boys in the bright white sports car

the boys are waving their hands in the air

who do they think they are?!?

having a heated bidet toilet seat during winter combines the satisfaction of power-washing videos with the toastiness of not having to put your cheeks on cold plastic

i maintain the identity associated with the bits I was born with, and also, am very good with computers

that is to say, I’m a cis admin

if you get 8 people with clearly defined gender in a room together, you have one byte of gender binary

tv: mentions “three men”

tiff: I want three men

curtis: I guess I know what to get you for christmas

tiff: what am I going to do with more men?

curtis: you were the one who requested the additional men

tiff: I already have two men, and one of them poops everywhere

curtis: and the other one’s our cat

curtis: if a vampire wanted a fizzy drink would they have to go after scuba divers and intentionally give them the bends?

tiff: couldn’t they just extract the blood and add carbon dioxide directly? I mean, unless this is Ann Rice rules

curtis: I mean, nitrogen works to make the stout all foamy, that’s also what’s happening to scuba divers, right?

tiff: it only takes, like, a few bubbles to kill you, I don’t think the vampires could move the scuba divers fast enough to make this satisfying

to fix a hole in your jeans, simply put them on over another pair of jeans. Then, when you look into the hole in the outer jeans, you’ll only find more jeans

Evaluating The Jungle From AC/DC’s “Welcome To The Jungle” For Its Suitability As a Corporate Retreat Location

pros:

• extremely welcoming
• fun and games
• has everything you want
• has people who can find whatever you may need
• good if you have money
• take it day by day
• bright lights
• learn to live like an animal
• you can have anything you want

cons:

• has your disease
• wants to watch you bleed
• won’t get there for free (usually the case)
• gets worse here everyday
• gonna bring you down/to your knees
• you’re gonna die

once again we have decided to go to Orlando

One time I invited my friends over for steamed clams, a meal that I actually prepared for them.

and I absolutely spent some time wondering if it would be worth it to head out and pick up a little bit of fast food to disguise as my own cooking

Ultimately I decided against it because the meal itself was already fairly labor intensive and the joke, while funny, probably wasn’t worth the 20 minutes, $5-10, and possible ruination of people’s actual appetites; it would have been a wasteful throwaway joke on account of how I’d actually made steamed clams.

But I want you to know exactly how long and hard I struggled with that conclusion, because we honestly only really invite our friends over for steamed clams, like, a few times ever.

The best I could do was to ask them, when they arrived, if they were prepared for an unforgettable luncheon.

“We’re here for dinner.”

The old wizard pulls a crystal sphere from his overstuffed cupboard, blowing the dust off, and then rubbing it clean with his sleeves.

“I haven’t had to boot this thing up in years”, he says, popping the ball into a cradle next to an old CRT monitor and operating it like a trackball

my myers-briggs type is [Object object]

misunderstanding what parasocial relationships are

I’d just like to interject for a moment. What you’re referring to as Mastodon, is in fact, Fediverse/Mastodon, or as I’ve recently taken to calling it, Fediverse plus Mastodon.

It feels like the name “Curtis” is gradually disappearing from the public consciousness. I’ll tell people my name and see them write it down: “Chris”, often. Recently I got a “Furtis”. But this one… this one’s special

it’s a roguelike

in that

it’s a game that you can play on a computer

like rogue

which was also that

On one hand, sushi that’s any bigger than bite-sized is a tell-tale sign that you are not in a classy sushi restaurant.

On the other hand, there’s a certain visceral pleasure to be had opening your mouth real wide and packing a softball sized california roll in there, presumably impressing your date.

Their marketing team is honestly as surprised as you are:

and you may find yourself

behind the wheel of a large automobile

and you may ask yourself

“how did I get here?”

and you may ask yourself

“where does that highway go to”

and you may ask yourself

“am I right, am I wrong”

and you may say to yourself

“My god, I should pull over and check the maps application on my phone”

The movie marketing fails to note that this is considered the correct, optimal status for babies.