I’ve never seen the movie, The Neverending Story

So, Tiff (humorously, and non-seriously) proposed combining raspberry jam and cream cheese into one super-condiment, and I warned her that it would have the expiry date of cream cheese, and then furiously tried to remember which sketch comedy group did a mustard+mayonnaise sketch.

Me: “I think it’s… you know… two guys… throwing underwear around… shitting in a tub… those guys.”

Tiff: “Tim and Eric?”

Me: “Yeah!”

Narrator: it was Mr. Show

tiff, singing softly to herself: “if you leave me now, you take away the biggest part of me”

me: (knowing what’s coming) oh no, a ghost!

tiff: “oo-OO-OOOOO-oo-oo”

me: aah! ghost!

The music video: H O T T O G O

Me: Hot dog?

Wife: Hot to go!

Me: Obviously, that’s how you want a hot dog

so, Tiff has decided she’s doing an art challenge for october

and she made this yesterday

“it reminds me of those old 60s sci fi novel covers” she says

anyways when she woke up, someone had snuck this into her office

my hobby? oh, it’s simple, it’s farting into this plastic chair so aggressively that it wakes my wife up in the other room

no, I haven’t thought of monetizing it, yet

I don’t regard Tiff as particularly fond of tinned tuna, hard boiled eggs or olives and yet she has been asking me to make a Pan Bagnat for multiple years after encountering the concept on social media somewhere.

Today, I brave the sando.

(verdict: it was fine)

My wife and I are both digital artists - although she is a professional, whereas I’m more of an amateur, so on the top is her version of her D&D character (Mr. Buns) and on the bottom is my version.

(please do not choose a favorite, it’s bound to lead to one of us feeling bad, and by one of us I mean definitely me)

She’s a background painter, so her work tends more towards definition and detail, whereas I’m more of a cartoonist, so mine tends towards dynamic pose and relative simplicity

I joked that hers is the theatrical release and mine is the direct-to-DVD remake

tiff: so, it’s a little girl with a giant warforged bunny barbarian guardian

curtis: … so you want to play as The Maxx?

tiff: >_>

tiff: <_<

my wife, entering the kitchen, will be faced with two opposing theories: either her husband purchased half a pie, an amount that you can buy at the supermarket and a totally reasonable size of pie to purchase for two people for dessert, brought it home, and placed it on a nice plate in advance of dinner - OR, said husband purchased an entire pie, brought it home, precisely and quickly bisected it, consumed fully half of it, and then discarded the container it came in and placed it on a plate to hide any evidence of his transgression

said husband is not available for comment because he needed a nap for some reason

i’ve been walking-and-reading-at-the-same-time conversantly since I was 8 years old

now, let me tell you what I can’t do: I can’t bicycle and read at the same time

the one time I tried I sent myself flying over the hood of a car

now

I’m pretty sure that wasn’t my fault, it was the fault of the car’s driver

you know,

for parking there

I went on a 90 minute walk today, up to a park near the top of the big hill I live on, and came home

Tiff: “So, did you like the park?”

Me: “Enh, by the time I got to the park I’d been walking for 45 minutes and it was starting to rain, so I just decided to head back home.”

Tiff: “So you didn’t get to read then?”

Me: “Oh, no, I was reading the whole way.”

Tiff: “How?”

Me: “I read and walk.”

Tiff: “You can’t.”

Me: “Sure I can.”

Tiff: “Those things are mutually exclusive.”

Me: “Wrong!”

some things I’ve shouted at the screen while my wife plays Kingdom: Eighties

“loose child! collect that child!”

“go forth, child army! go forth and destroy my enemies!”

“to be honest, I feel bad for dumpster boy, you should give him a break”

“that was an unusually well-armed child, should he have a sword?”

“he was jock before but he’s dumpster boy now. all is dumpster for him.”

“dumpster boy’s sisyphean task goes on forever, pushing a dumpster up a hill eternally”

“suuure, leave that child in the forest to die”

“you’ve got them hunting for you, fishing for you, and now they’re picking berries for you? this is the worst summer camp ever.”

“oof. scattered remains. I shall require more children”

“oh, that’s pippo, his job is to hand the hammers to the other children. pippo has asthma.”

That time the Starbucks barista misheard “Curtis” and wrote “Turdi” on my cup and my wife called me “Turdy” for a week

tv: mentions “three men”

tiff: I want three men

curtis: I guess I know what to get you for christmas

tiff: what am I going to do with more men?

curtis: you were the one who requested the additional men

tiff: I already have two men, and one of them poops everywhere

curtis: and the other one’s our cat

curtis: if a vampire wanted a fizzy drink would they have to go after scuba divers and intentionally give them the bends?

tiff: couldn’t they just extract the blood and add carbon dioxide directly? I mean, unless this is Ann Rice rules

curtis: I mean, nitrogen works to make the stout all foamy, that’s also what’s happening to scuba divers, right?

tiff: it only takes, like, a few bubbles to kill you, I don’t think the vampires could move the scuba divers fast enough to make this satisfying