I eat a lot of cabbage. One five dollar head of cabbage has been vegetables with dinner all week, it’s cheap, nutritious, and I have a handful of good cabbage recipes.

unrelatedly, someone who lives in my office has been unleashing a truly rancid series of unstoppable eye-watering farts all week and I can’t figure out why

my hobby is to hold my hand up in wide-eyed wonder and say “can you feel it? in the air? the magic?” and then rip a particularly piquant and robust fart

my hobby? oh, it’s simple, it’s farting into this plastic chair so aggressively that it wakes my wife up in the other room

no, I haven’t thought of monetizing it, yet

Basically, I am what you get if you ask a Genie for an “ass that won’t quit” without thinking about it enough

Genie: surely you want to be just a little more specific

Me: no, I’ve committed, hit me with your best shot